Play Nice and Fight Fair

Sa panahon ngayon, parang mas inaabangan na natin ang sale ng mga ecommerce sites like Lazada and Shopee kaysa sa mga regular holidays. Yung kahit wala ka namang gustong bilhin, o wala ka naman talagang kailangang bilhin, mag-oopen ka ng app para mag-browse at mag-add to cart, and poof! Andyan na si kuyang rider after ilang araw.

But when it comes to books, ibang usapan yan. There’s no such thing as too many books hahaha. And just like my book lover friends, ang latest “budol” ko ay nung 9.9. Ayun, I bought two, one about relationships and one about theology. Ang saya. 

But no regrets naman, kasi sobrang dami kong insights na napulot sa relationship book na nabili ko,”Play Nice and Fight Fair” by Lollette Oliva-Alipe. It features 35 practical lessons from the author’s 35 years of marriage.

Before you start gleaning on the author’s rich lessons on relationships, she will indulge you with a background of her mala-teledrama marriage. She recounts how she was married twice – with the same person (or as her husband jokingly tells, “did the same mistake twice”). She is also described as “mother of multitudes” because of their adopted children.

I’d like to share some of my takeaways from the book. I tell you, ang dami! But let me pick just some, in no particular order :)

Pieces of a puzzle don’t just fall into the right places. They need to turn around this way and that until they fit.

Kung gusto mong maging maganda ang relationship mo, aba’y mag-effort ka! Hindi yan kusang magiging maayos kung hindi ka mag-aayos. Imagine, you are different individuals with different personalities and backgrounds, so adjustment is necessary. Work on your rough edges. Pagtulungan.

It’s the day to day expression of love that builds marriage.

Hindi palaging masaya ang relationship. May boring times, may difficult times, may time na nakakasawa na. Sabi nga, getting married is easy, it’s staying married that is difficult. Well, even in any kind of relationship, unless you regularly water it with love and affection, it will not grow healthy. Yung mga nakaka-bless na marriage na alam natin, hindi yun nangyari overnight. It cost them day to day expression of love.

Love doesn’t take pleasure in seeing one’s beloved suffer or be uncomfortable. Giving your spouse the cold shoulder until he or she says sorry is a crime against your love.

Naku, I love this one. Minsan nagpapataasan tayo ng pride when it comes to arguments. Kung sino ang mas tama, parang siya ang may karapatan na magbigay ng cold shoulder. Mas nangingibabaw ang goal na mapasuko ang kapareha kaysa maayos ang problema. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Wag kang bato.

Social media is not the right place to air your dirty laundry for all to see.

Oh my! I wish every couple right now will hear the wisdom behind this: don’t put your marriage in the bad light of social media scrutiny. Bukod sa nakakahiya, hindi rin tama. Kung kailangan ng tulong para ma-settle ang problema, go to your trusted people! Remember may mga ninongs and ninangs kayo, or better yet pastors, church leaders or marriage counselors! Be wise. I-settle nang maayos, wag na paabutin pa kay Tulfo, utang na loob.

Constantly showing disrespect to one another will slowly, and most certainly erode a relationship and ultimately break down a marriage.

My personal take is that we should refrain from saying sarcastic remarks and crude jokes that degrade the other party. Kahit biruan pa yan. Lalo na sa mga disrespectful gestures like ipapahiya sa harap ng ibang tao, mumurahin o lalaitin online or offline, or even through private conversations. Nakakangiti siya sa una, pero kapag palagi ay nakakasugat na. Be respectful with your words and actions. No one wants to marry an unloving, disrespectful person.

Saying “I told you so” separates the one saying it from the consequences of a bad or wrong decision.

In marriage, you act as ONE, a team, at dapat walang sisihan. Every decision should be a “team decision”, walang monopoly. Kahit hindi mo idea ang naging decision niyo, dapat tanggap mo rin ang consequence. Walang competition. Kaya nabanggit na every decision has to be made prayerfully. In-emphasize rin ang concept submission and leadership in marriage (this entails a different blog post).

If something is not working properly, we don’t just throw it away. We sit down and check what’s wrong and try to repair it.

Sa panahon ngayon kapag di na masaya, ayawan na. But this should not be the case when it comes to relationships. Hindi disposable ang damdamin ng tao hahaha. If there’s a problem, fix it. Fix it with God! Huwag magpa-comfort sa iba lol. Walang perfect relationship dahil wala rin namang perfect person. Kung lahat na lang tinatapon natin, ano na lang ang matitira? When there’s a problem, sit down and discuss it as matured individuals.



Bonus:

Even an argument is communication, so this entails give and take. When one is talking, the other has to listen. No interrupting. No shouting. A louder volume does not make your point any clearer.

Gusto ko to kasi I’m fond of peaceful environments. Pero totoo naman di ba? Why do people shout during arguments? Para patunayan na mas powerful siya? Para patunayan na mas tama? In fact, kung sino ang mas malakas ang boses, mas hindi niya naririnig ang “love language” ng kapareha. We’re given two ears and one mouth to listen twice and talk once. Makes sense, right?

That’s it! After reading the book, naisip ko na salamat kasi may mga taong “nauna” na sa atin para magbigay ng reminders, instructions and warnings. It is one thing to learn from our own experiences but it’s another to learn from the experience of others. Ang tawag dito ay wisdom.

Play Nice and Fight Fair is published by OMF Literature. You may purchase the book for 375 at passagesbooks.com, Shopee and Lazada.

Here’s the blurb about the book:

“Till death do us part… now what?”

This is the question that Lolétte grappled with when she married Em.

In this book, she shares 35 lessons learned through the course of first being married for seven years, then being separated for five years, and the "re-marrying" and staying married, all to the same man.

Read her practical and inspiring stories (some of them, funny) on—

• Loving your husband unconditionally
• Growing your relationship
• Handling conflicts
• Doing the small things that matter
• Being a godly wife
• Building harmony in your family
• Facing the years ahead

You will laugh. You might cry. And you will surely end up wanting to play nice and fight fair—while loving your husband—all the time!